Boss TURBO Distortion DS-2

On July 17, 2006, Navarro and Electra announced their split to Star Magazine. (source)

What Dave "BOSS addict and general addict and bona-fide asshole" Navarro failed to mention is that Electra dumped his stupid nipple-ring ass cos he sounds like shit and endorses the Chicken McNuggets of the pedal world that go by the name of BOSS.

In case the subliminal message somehow didn't make it through clear enough, let me spell it out for you... If you want to sound like everyone else who sounds like SHIT and IS shit and EATS SHIT go get yourself a BOSS pedal. Even if you can somehow afford a manager who can buy you Carmen Electra for a week, you're still gonna end up with an amicable separation and all the time in world to play crappy funk by yourself or with Flea. And it's gonna sound like ass, cos you're gonna be playing it through a BOSS. And cos it's funk. Which is Native American for "ass". And so is BOSS.

If you have a BOSS and it breaks, which is pretty much seven milliseconds after you plug it in, good luck fixing it. I'm convinced they're using the same circuits as the early Gameboys. That's why they make your guitar sound like Luigi's digital bolt on kneecap.

If anyone tells you BOSS pedals don't break, slap them. That's the biggest lie in history. I've never seen one that wasn't broken. Except the ones bought by people I know who don't actually play guitar. This is how I can't be sure they were broken. BOSS cleverly build their pedals so that they look like tanks, shit-colored ones while we're at it. Three hundred out of ten cases, any given BOSS pedal is not built like a tank, it's built like a fart.

The DS-2 is a TURBO Distortion. TURBO means the DS-2 is able to reduce your tone to hot liquid audio shit in no time at all. That's 0 to SHIT in 0 seconds. When you want to sound terrible (and don't even dare considering this implies terrible in some sort of cool metal way) all you have to do is plug your axe into one of these orange tanks. If you're lucky enough, one or both of the in/out jacks will be broken. This happens all the time with BOSS tanks. Usually your luck will run dry enough for the jacks to just eek and scratch, allowing for the tonal shit storm to make it through a speaker. At this point, you will get the urge to burn all your guitar related material and die a techno death. That's a good idea, go for it.

The DS-2 has four knobs. Level sets the volume level. My favorite setting for this knob is zero. Tone does what my old man's '77 one-2-inch-speaker portable radio's tone control did. It changes the sound a bit, but it doesn't matter because it sounds like crap in every setting and alongside everything else that's going wrong here, this control is hardly the problem. Distortion will give you an endless palette of the much coveted, circa 1991, bedroom recorded, death metal demo tape hoover tonal range.

On to the TURBO, I'm gonna quote the Builders of Tanks themselves.

"Turbo Mode II gives you a full mid-range sound. Set DIST to a moderate level to obtain a rough, street-level sound."

... As if the damned thing doesn't sound like a disabled Florida mosquito with a voice impairment that mutes all but its mid-range vocal chords all the way through. And what the hell is a "street-level" sound? What street is this? Unless street means the sunny suburb Fred Durst grew up playing with his Barbie doll collection in. Britney, meet Ken. Let's frat rap metal fusion.

The only good thing BOSS have going for them is that boutique pedals are called boutique and where I come from that's what you call stores that sell clothes for women.

Some might tell you people use Bosses [...] cos they rock. This is a blatant lie. The reason so many people use BOSS is that, as Slipknot so eloquently for a lame band put it, People Are Shit. They are... All you have to do is listen and you'll know for yourself.

By GM. Posted at 2008-02-19 01:57:06